Bryan Rahn

Search Marketing, Lead Generation and Living Exceptionally.

What to do when you are winning a football game 56-0.

The best part is who they were released to.

Bathroom Sex

While the Minnesota Gophers season came crashing to a close last Saturday, two people were able to find something to occupy their time. For even the spectators, there had to be action somewhere besides what was going down on the field.

They were able to find it. Minnesota police said approximately 15 people observed “the action” going on inside a men’s bathroom at the Metrodome.

According to a report filed by University of Minnesota Police, the crowd had gathered to cheer on a couple “having relations” in one of the stalls.

The very astute detective flagged down a police officer after he saw two sets of legs occupying the handicapped toilet stall. He was able to put 2 and 2 together after noticing that their pants and underwear were down around their ankles.

The officer arrived and managed to separate the two. A 38-year-old female and the 26-year-old male, both in town from Iowa, were cited for indecent conduct before being released, respectively, to their husband and girlfriend.

Congratulations to the Golden Gophers on the 2008 edition of their season. Enjoy your post season trip to the only place colder than Minneapolis. A luxurious get-a-way to Detroit, for the Motor City Bowl.

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World Serious

As we wait out the World Series rain delay, I thought I would share some prose from the Big Fella up North. Wise in his years he is. Take it away Curtis…

I tried watching some of the baseball game last night but gave up. Some of those announcers (both baseball and football) just drive me crazy with their over analysis of the games. I have to admit that I really don’t care if Tim McCarver has to inform me after every pitch if it was a four seem fastball, two seem fastball, slider, curve, or wild pitch for that matter. Just let me watch the game. And shift the camera from center field to behind home plate once in a while, especially with runners on base so you can see what they are doing and how the fielders are reacting. Do I have to watch every single solitary pitch from the pitcher’s mound? If I went to the game in person, I certainly wouldn’t sit and concentrate on the pitcher for every pitch for nine straight innings.

Well said my good man. Looks like you aren’t alone. Here’s hoping we can get this thing wrapped up by Thanksgiving.

Kevin Slowey On Recent Win: ‘Now That’s What I Call Throwing A Slowey’

Kevin Slowey

KANSAS CITY – Minnesota Twins pitcher Kevin Slowey threw six innings of one run baseball during the Twins 4-1 victory over the Kansas City Royals on Friday, causing the visibly proud rookie right hander to declare his performance “a genuine Slowey.” “A couple more Sloweys like this one and I could be in store for a Cy Young this season,” Slowey told reports after the game, adding that with his cut fastball working early, he was confident in his ability to deliver a Slowey.

“The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and Hernandez up the joint.” Slowey later added that he dreams of one day throwing a perfect Slowey, though he said he is aware of how difficult it is to perform a feat requiring him to strike out 17 batters, walk three, give up one run and still get the loss.

The Games of the 5th Special Olympiad

For the first time in my life I will be participating in a charity boxing match. This is a World Boxing sanctioned event. We have a referee, (Jay Blue Jay) announcer, (www.thegreatsuccess.com) three judges (Cullen, Mitch, Scott) and a ring girl (Brittany). Catch the event live at the office at 7:30 CDT.

charity boxing

Vegas just called. They want to fly us out there after the fight to party. LAX is reserving us the table on the center stage and complimentary bottle service.

My entourage is set. Let’s do this thing. Donkey! Cut me!

Guest Blogger – Bye Bye Johan

We have a guest blogger in the Blue today. A red head transplanted from Husker Nation to the Northland. Take it away hombre.

I’m turning all Twins gear into the dome at Noon tomorrow. Let me know if you have any remaining items at your parent’s house, and I’ll stop by and take it off their hands for you.

I’m going to buy an Angels hat, maybe a Brewers cap as well. Because it’s all over. Its been a good run. Back to back to back AL Central titles to flat on their back to another title to flat on their back again. It was a nice run, one ALCS appearance, multiple first round flame-outs, and two mid season disasters, sprinkled with retarded signings such as Tony Batista, Jeff Cirillo, and Sidney Ponson. Maybe they couldn’t resign Hunter, I tried to understand.

Editor’s Note: How much longer are we going to buy this ‘small market’ BS the Twins keep giving us? That they are a small market team so they can’t afford to keep players. Anaheim isn’t even the most popular team in their own city and they were able to get Hunter. The Twins dominate a 5 state area and can’t keep him? I don’t get it. Sorry for stealing your thunder. Back to the red-headed step-child.

But trading the best pitcher of our era for 4 unproven minor leaguers is where I finally decide after much consideration, that I cannot support this team any longer.

Johan Santana

How can you not get a proven player in this deal to plug a hole on your leaky roster? I’m not asking for a super star like Jose Reyes or David Wright, although neither should have been out of the question. We could of had Melky Cabrera, Troy, Bucholtz, Jonathan Lester or Jacoby Ellsbury. Instead we got two Puerto Ricans and two beer league All-Stars. I’m absolutely at a loss. I’m out.

Super Disapointment

I cannot live in world where Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are in the Super Bowl. Eli Manning will give that deer in the headlights look after he throws his third interception. Coughlin will be yelling at him like “I told you not to throw it to the other team!” It will be horrible. I decided the only way to get thru it will be to get drunk so I invented a drinking game for it:

Tom Coughlin

Every time Eli gives you the look like he is unclear if he is at a football game or shopping at the mall, everyone drinks. Also, if you are the first to spot Coughlin standing with his clipboard, one knee bent and hands on his hips with the look of bewilderment on his face, you get to pass out a shot.

The New York Giants are the most stunning Super Bowl team in my life. There is not one of you out there, for all of you who are geniuses, who thought that the Giants were the best team in the NFC until Sunday, on the last play of the game. There were blown out in their first two games. The Cowboys crushed them. The Packers beat them in the Meadowlands. The Vikings clobbered them.

Eli Manning

Really, the most exciting part of the season for the Giants was a loss at home to the Patriots. How did the Giants get here? Can’t we blame the BCS. Maybe we can blame Global Warming.

I wanted Packers Patriots. I had the game all planned out. Now I get a game I saw a month ago? If any of the presidential candidates can pass a law to keep the Giants out of the Super Bowl, they have my vote. The patriots now have two weeks for a team they already beat, on the road. I love the Patriots in that one. Print it.

Fade to the Corner of the Endzone

Is there some new policy in the NFL that when you have the ball on the 1 yard-line you have to throw a fade to the corner of the end zone?

Fade to the Corner of the Endzone

I see it all the time now. Same thing on the two point conversion. These teams that run, run, run all the way down the field, get one yard away, and then feel like they have to run one of the hardest plays in the book to get the touchdown. Every team does it. I just don’t get it.

I saw it in the Jags – Steelers game just this weekend. My friends and I were at the pub when late in the 4th with Pittsburgh down by 5, they get 2nd and goal at the 1. I look to my friend and say, “Welp, I guess this is where we see the fade to the corner of the endzone.” Sure enough, the next two plays are Roethlisberger looking to throw the fade.

As a side note, when did Ben Roethlisberger become known simply as “Ben?” No other player in all of sports gets called only by his first name. Watch when he plays, all the announcers, namley Al Michaels, will say “Ben drops back to pass?” I guess they are on a first name basis.

Or how about this that the announcers love to say. “Ben Roth-i-lice-barger, Ha, ha. Did I get it? Was that right?” No you did not get it right, and you know how to say it.

Anyway, luckily for the Steelers, the Jags commit a penalty on one of the fades so they get first and goal still at the one. Run up the middle. At what do you know, easy touchdown. I don’t know why they couldn’t have run that play 3 downs ago, but whatever. But then sure enough, on what turned out to be the game-losing two point conversion, what do they decide to do? “Ben drops back to pass…”

Cabrera Ate A-Rod

All I have heard is about how the Detroit Tigers are going to go 162-0 this year. Because of their big trade with the Marlins. I don’t really see it, so let’s talk about the Tigers trade.

Dontrelle Willis

This notion that Dontrelle Willis, who had a 5.5 ERA in the National League, you know, pitching to pitchers, is going to be so great, I don’t get it. I mean I can’t wait till he faces the Yankee lineup. His ERA might be like 8.

Miguel Cabrera

The keystone of this trade was obviously Miguel Cabrera, who everyone wants to say is the next A-Rod. But he is 24 years old and looks like he ate A-Rod. So you have that coupled with Edgar Renteria, who is getting kind of doughy. I think AL teams should spend like $100,000 per game when the Tigers come to town on the visiting clubhouse post game spread. And they should start setting it up before the game. With like steak and lobster, and copious of beer and deserts.

Cabrera will just be salivating and saying to Edgar “Oh my god Edgar. Did you see that cake?”

Cake

And they will be completely lost all game. They could have a guy in the clubhouse with a fan, basically blowing the aromas onto the Detroit bench all game. They wouldn’t know what to do. The two of them will weigh 275 by the all start break.

I mean I guess it’s good to get Cabrera out of South beach, because I don’t think the night life in Detroit is equal to that in South Beach. So if he’s been livin’ it up and is putting it on that way, you know, with 3am Waffle House runs after a night at the club, it’s probably not going to be like that in Detroit, which is why you need the post game spread.

Gary Sheffield

I basically want to hear stories of Gary Sheffield trying to physically restrain Cabrera from the buffet with a baseball bat. “Hey Miguel! Enough. No more cake!”

So I don’t know, that might work, and if it doesn’t, I don’t really care. I just think that would TCB, you know, Take Care of Business.

A Day in the Life of a Right Wingged, Truck Driving, Career Back Up Catcher

Mike Redmond

This is meant to be a day in the life of Mike Redmond. He is the backup catcher and occasional designated hitter for the Minnesota Twins. In his 10 seasons, he is batting .290 with 13 home runs. The Twins have a double header at the Dome with the Red Sox.

 

9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.

9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 60 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.

9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.

9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.

9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.

9:17 Takes a dump.

9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.

9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.

9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud “MIKIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.

9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow.

9:57 Pulls onto I-35 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.

10:15 Pulls into the Metrodome, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Twins starting catcher Joe Mauer in.

10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck.

10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Mauer a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Mauer if he misses his boyfriend.

10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.

10:29 Looks for Louis Castillo, who was traded two months ago.

10:30 Gives Mauer a dead leg and calls him a homo. Confuses Alexi Casilla with Louis Castillo for 5th time this month. Tells ‘Castillo’ walks are for p**sies.

10:33 Stuffs Glen Perkins in a locker and pisses on him.

10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Matt Garza.

10:45 Takes Nick Punto’s headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.

10:50 Gardenhire walks by and Mikie cuts him off and says “Is Mikie D-Hing the first game?”

10:55 Mikie tells Torri Hunter if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K’S.

11:17 Writes back response to fan’s Letter “Hey P**sy, I don’t wear a cup because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Mauer.”

11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on. Tells Cuddyer he should be buff like Mike.

11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.

11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the wall and misses the other 8.

11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Mauer for mixing in a curveball.

11:55 Tackles Pat Neshek and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.

12:00 Mikie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm arrives.

12:07 Mikie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Mauer’s locker.

12:15 Gardie posts lineup, Mikie sees he is not the DH, calls Gardenhire a p**sy.

12:25 Mikie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing “MIKIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Mauer’s $350 silk shirt to wipe.

1:05 Game starts, Mikie tells Gardenhire he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers.

1:25 Mikie announces in the bottom of the first that he is ready to pinch hit for Mauer.

1:45 Jason Kubel comes in, Mikie tells him he sucks and will be back at AAA Rochester by 7 tonight.

1:55 Mikie’s 4 Dome Dogs arrive, pays with Mauer’s credit card.

2:15 Finishes shopping with Mauer’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.

2:30 Dozes off.

3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Garza.

3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit in the ninth.

4:30 Twins lose game, Mikie tells Gardenhire he should have DH’ed him.

5:00 Mikie tells Mauer singles are for p**sies.

5:30 Mikie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.

5:33 Mikie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.

6:00 Mikie see’s name in lineup, calls Gardenhire a p**sy for batting him 8th. Asks Jason Bartlett if he is Mexican.

6:05 Mikie demands to bat cleanup.

6:25 Announces that Mikie is going deep tonight.

6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks. Mikie pours steak juice into Mauer’s locker and makes Carlos Silva eat the fat.

6:35 Mikie gives Scott Baker an atomic wedgie.

7:00 Tells Garza to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt.

7:10 Scoreless first. Mikie tells Gardenhire it must be the catching. Asks Boof Bonser if he knows any Mexicans. Boof says no, Reyes runs and hides in the bullpen.

7:25 Mikie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.

7:27 Mikie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.

7:30 Mikie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.

7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it.”

8:15 Man on first, no one out. Mikie says “Smell those RBI’s.” Mikie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Mikie.

8:16 Fans boo Mikie.

8:17 Mikie tells family of 4 to get lost and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout.

8:18 Mikie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.

9:10 Mikie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.

9:30 9th inning. Mikie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Joe Nathan a p**sy and tells him to just bring the heat. Mikie wants to get home.

9:50 Twins win. Mikie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked.

9:55 Mikie shaves and leaves a goatee.

10:00 Knocks Mauer off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.

10:10 Cuts off 4 Twins fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.

10:25 Arrives at Chinese Restaurant on Hennepin.

10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.

12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.

12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.

12:15 Walks into the house naked and screams “WHO SAW THE BOMB I HIT TONIGHT?”

12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.

12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.

12:55 Pulls out a bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.

1:15 Mikie passes out on couch.

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