The Mizzou Tigers hosted SE Missouri State this weekend. As such, the first edition of the 2008 tailgate kicked off in style. We had a good turnout, but it can be better. And I heard that reactor was just ‘crazy’ this weekend, so I felt the need to list reasons why you need to be at our tailgate.

Keg Beer. They have been outlawed by the University, BTW. But special permission was granted to this group. When I left my last band house party circa 2004, I never thought I would again drink keg beer from a plastic cup. But it just tastes so good when it hits your lips.

Meeting the neighbors. I love it when old men wearing deck shoes, short shorts and black Mizzou socks come over to debate the upcoming season. It’s like leaning over the white picket fence and talking to the neighbors about where the paper boy is throwing the newspaper when he delivers it.

Throwing money into things. Maybe it is all the mortgage brokers in one place, maybe it is a need to fend off any poor people who might wander by. But nothing feels as good as tossing a quarter a distance of 8 yards squarely into the bottom of a plastic cup. Now give me the cream of wheat.

Outdoor bathrooms. There is just something manly about this.

Mizzou football. (Yes, apparently there is a game going on too.) For 4 years of my life I was forced to sit thru the entire game of 20+ point losses to the likes of Bowling Green University. Not such is the case anymore. If you haven’t seen the 2008 edition of the Missouri Tigers, you need to. I was told this Jeremy Macklin fellow is the most electrifying player in college football history.

The playlist. No matter what song comes on, as soon as it starts there will be instate debate over if it is awesome or sucks and who picked it and why. Unless of course Nate picked it, in which case it is the coolest song on the list.

Our Spot. Never mind the fact that the university has decided to remove almost all actually grassy areas for tailgating. Never mind Brant doesn’t sleep all nite because he is worried he won’t get to the parking lot in time. We have the only spot left at Mizzou that can handle the spectacle that is our tailgate, and we dominate it, well.

Visiting Dignitaries. You never know who will show up. Parents, old friends, new friends, Folks from Atlanta, Nebraska, Minnesota, Limbergh High School, I could go on. Some people travel across the country for birthdays, reunions and weddings. Not us, we have people who make the journey to Columbia to sit in a parking lot for 8 hours.

Waking up drunk and starting drinking again. Properly hydrated of course. It’s great because you don’t get hungover. I’ve seen people show up to the tailgate in a taxi for crying out loud. That’s just how we get down. (Editor’s note – Arguing over who was more drunk the nite before is also a fav.)

Debating if we need more beer. Fact – The tailgate has never “run out of anything” ever. Except maybe gasoline to power our Wii Bowling. Discussing if/when we will run out and how we will deal with this ‘tragedy’ makes my day.

The people. Despite the fact that we require a trailer, tv, wii, games and copious amounts of alcohol for all of us to tolerate each other for the day, it is good to have the crew together. The Goldenrod 5 is always well represented. Even people who don’t like each other get happy at the tailgate. I am pretty sure I saw Jay and Donkey even smile at each other once.

Bandanas. How often do you have something catered? Let alone in a parking lot? I should have known that the Empire would never settle for simply grilling burgers and brats all day. That is more like an appetizer for this crew.

Watching a HD television outside. It doesn’t even matter to me what is on. Never again will I be trapped inside the walls of my castle like a pheasant to watch the pigskin. And no AM radio either.

The events. Have you ever seen a young executive wearing a bunny outfit? A ‘best of seven of a best of 7′ flip cup tournament? Being told by the police that No, you may not start tailgating at 10pm – Now get back in your tent? Or how about Clowns Mouth Stickers? I could go on. But if you want to experience the thrill of riding a blazer down a hill, you need to be there.

Tail – G – 8. You know what I mean. You might end up here and be on one of those fancy websites.

So I know you have a nice little Saturday planned to go to Home Depot and then Bath and Beyond, if there is enough time. But make it out at the crack of dawn, and you won’t be disappointed.

Our friend Jay Burcheck, Jay Blue Jay, is leaving us this week for greener pastures. Since he loves the game of baseball, the best way to honor him is thru the greatest baseball poem ever written, Casey at the bat…(Editors Note: This was performed live at his going away ceremony in the Osaka party room.)

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Plus One nine that day.
The time was 10 to 1, with but 10 minutes left to play
Tim had ducked out early, and Dippold did the same
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game

Big Twelve had been a party, as was Tony C’s
But Blue Jay couldn’t find a mate with whom he was appeased

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to hope that Jay could touch a human breast.
They thought, if only Burcheck could get a whack at that
We’d put up even money, now, that he’d bust out a Jimmy Hat.

But Mitch preceded Blue Jay, as did Scotty what’s his name
And the former had a wife, and the latter had no game
So upon that stricken multitude grim, melancholy sat
Jay would have to sit and think, I bet they think I’m fat.

But Mitch took down the blond one, to the wonderment of it all
And Scotty talked the warcraft game with the one brunette and tall
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was a redhead left for Blue Jay. Ginger, but not a nerd.

For somehow success seemed likely for our friend the bird
Cause there was Mitchy safe at second, and Scotty was a huggin third.

Then from the dance floor packed with people there rose a lusty yell
It rumbled thru the valley, it rattled in the dell
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat
For Burcheck, Jay Blue Jay, was advancing to the bat

There was no ease in Burcheck’s manner as he stepped into his place
There was terror in Blue Jays bearing and worry on Blue Jays face
And when, saying hello, he said Nice Cardinals Hat.
No stranger in the crowd could doubt, – ’twas Burcheck at the bat.

He thought of Britts advice as he thought of what to say
Tell her that she’s sunglasses. I-H-I Jay Blue Jay
Then, he thought aloud, what would Nathaniel do?
I want him to hold my hand, and see this matter thru.

He first thought of soccer, but that was not too smart.
Or he could talk time clock, his passion at his heart
Or eighty’s music maybe, or the latest Main Squeeze blend
He needs more time to craft his line to take down this lady friend

And now a different girl says hello and breaks the night time air
But Blue Jay stood just watching her, no interest over there
Close by the wobbling Blue Jay, her evening dress was red
That aint my style said Blue Jay, strike one the bald man said.

Cullen, Josh and Bryan roared.
Like the beating of the storm waves, on a stern and distant shore
“Take her! Take down that one!” shouted Cullen from floor
And it’s likely he’d of done it, but then he thought, – “she’s poor”

He looked out to the crowd, and a new girl said “Hey You”
But Blue Jay still ignored it, and the bald man said ‘strike two.’

“Her! Cried the maddened thousands and echo answered ‘Her!’
But one look back from Blue Jay and they knew he’d make one purr.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscle strain
And they knew that Blue Jay wouldn’t let a girl go by again.

The smile is gone from Blue Jay’s lip, his teeth are clenched in fear.
He turns back to the red head girl, maybe she wants a beer?
And now Blue Jay has his line and now he lets it go…
And now the air is shattered by the force of Blue Jay’s Blow

Somehow Blue Jay thought of beer pong, triumphs of foes he beat
And all blue jay could think to say, How’s the view from those cheap seats?

Oh somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light
And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout
But there is no joy in Columbia today, mighty Blue Jay has struck out.

Also of note…Breaking news in the world of poor people today.

My fellow inter linking blogger was wed this month. In a ceremony and reception fit for the King of Spades himself, Nathaniel and Kristi publicly announced their love, and as one will now lead the charge against the phesants.

Congratulations my dear friend. You have taught me much in the ways of the female proletariat. From hair care techniques, to medium end denim to “Muffdive?” you have never steered me wrong. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. Without you, I would still be dating band chicks I met at the Vu.

Enjoy some photos from the main event.

You know it has been a busy weekend in Columbia, MO when a new list of things for poor people materializes. Somewhere between the Golf Tournament, multiple Jimmy John’s runs and a lost car key, this came to life. Enjoy…

• Sewing
• The Belmont Stakes
• Travel Agents
• Plungers
• Hostels
• County Fairs
• Rust
• Above Ground Pools
• Bug Zappers
• Uno
• American Cheese
• 2 Lane Highways
• Adopting Domestically
• Old Spice
• Wrapping Presents
• Kermit the Frog
• Wishful Thinking
• Lava Lamps
• Fools Gold
• That 70′s Show
• Conjugating Verbs
• Carbon Footprints
• TV Trays
• Change Purses
• Brown Cars
• Mending Pants
• Buying a Dog for Someone
• Hotmail
• Disposable Cameras
• Plants
• Canned Corn
• Screwdrivers
• Community College
• Arguing Balls and Strikes
• Duffel Bags
• Ashland Manor Apartments
• Construction Paper
• Paper Airplanes
• Merry Go Rounds
• The Rhythm Method

Recent travels have left me with some time to come across more things for poor people. Enjoy.

• Neon Signs
• AOL
• Denny’s
• Propel Home Loans
• Court Orders
• Tattoos
• Plastic Silverware
• The Color Purple
• Peanut Butter
• Paying for drinks on Southwest
• Popping Out to the Second Baseman
• The Six O’clock News
• Bleachers
• Yellow Mustard
• Continence Stores
• Folding Chairs
• Hardees
• The Detroit Tigers
• Excalibur in Vegas
• The Post Office

Revisit one of the things for poor people. “Calling Shotgun.” Try this, the next time you are with your friends and you leave the house to head to the pub, have everyone start walking to one car. Without question the one who first calls, “Shotgun!” Will be your poorest friend. If you are with a group of people and want to find the poorest of them, this is always an easy trick. Odds are, if your friend is of the female persuasion, she will have a tramp stamp tattoo as well. She will be the one eating Hardees’s in the bleacher seats at the Detroit Tigers game with extra yellow mustard later. She might make you swing by the post office on the way to the game too. 60%, of the time it works every time.